I always knew I would be a father. I can’t remember exactly when it was that I consciously started thinking this but when it happened it felt completely natural to me.
I remember the first time I saw her. It sounds cliched but it was the best day of my life. She was an obsession to me from the first time I knew she was coming into this world and has been ever since.
Like most things in the world, I thought there would be a novelty phase and that this feeling I had never felt before would stop one day. I feared it so much but ,two years in, it hasn’t come .
What could I possibly learn from an entity that had no idea of the world, with no ideas of the way the world was or the paradigms in which we functioned. What could this tiny little thing teach her supposedly wise father.
It turns out quite a-lot.
I thought I knew patience, love, happiness, excitement and strength. I learned all these again and in ways I hadn’t felt before.
I was never in the present till she came along. I was always thinking about the future, worrying about the what if’s. I studied her, she didn’t have any of these concerns.
She truly lived in the present and still does. She finds as much entertainment in a large cardboard box as she does in doing any of the things as adults we may find interesting.
She smiles at you without worrying about whether you will smile back.
I know live much more in the present because I need too. She has grown so quickly and she continues to do so. I consciously am there with her because I know I won’t get it back when its gone.
She brings purpose into my life and with that incredible strength because I need to be. I stop unhealthy habits such as smoking and excessive drinking as the thought of her picking these up from me and dying from a related disease causes me more pain than I have felt before.
I see her do tasks such as walking, running and climbing without worry and without fear of being laughed at. It pushes me to pursue outside interests and to build a beautiful life for the both of us. This makes me do things that I wouldn’t have done before.
Daunting tasks such as public speaking, pushing myself financially ,improving my physical health all come from her.
Ultimately little one you teach me to love myself for myself and to accept that I am enough.
This is the biggest lesson you have taught me.
I hope one day you learn as much from me as I have done from you, little one.